Power.

Another big thing I’ve been thinking about a lot; power & control. Specifically over our own lives.
I’ve had many people tell me before that I shouldn’t let the words of other people bother me, that words are nothing but the vibration of air. I, in the mind state I was in back then, interpreted that as a sing of weakness on my part, and further myself and exploited my ‘inadequacy’ in being a functional being. This continued on for a long time until virtually 3 days ago, when I watched a podcast by Philip McClusky (‘Judgement’) & had a close friend of mine tell me that I am in control. Had it been just one or the other telling me the message they both were trying to get across, I may not have been able to reach the mindset I now have. Oh synchronicity.
That exact afternoon, I got into an argument with my father-who, by the way, rarely gets angry and more than often has the valid point. It was over something very small that I have been telling him over and over again to do, and well, in the three minutes we argued, he told me to leave and that he wished not to talk to me for a while. Pretty strong reaction, huh? I was bordering the tears to fall when I told myself that his reaction was irrational, though there was some bad on my part, and that I did not wish to allow someone else to control my emotions so easily. It still took some effort to keep the tears back and stopping myself from reacting to the whole situation, but in the end, it was done.
Later that day, I had a boy comment on the way he thinks I should be acting (“18, not 13.”), a comment I usually get myself devastated over. (I’M-STILL-NOT-GOOD-ENOUGH!!) but I just let that go as well; he wasn’t nearly worth the energy and effort to 1)react, and 2)alter who I am. It was then that the realization hit me; I was beginning to be in control of my life. Since then, though only been a short time, I have felt the power grow inside me- perhaps it was already there and I am just realizing its existence- and feeling more and more whole. Previously I had allowed other people’s comments to get to me so easily; I always doubted myself as I never seem to be quite ‘right’ as a person, I had developed an eating disorder, I had turned into a bitch in order to portray confidence I was rushed to have, I had pretended to like things I in fact disliked- the list is endless. But it’s different now; I am in control of my own life, even the future and the things that happen around me.
Well, perhaps my reactions to the things my sister say needs a little more work. :P

Xx
AJ